


Always Love You

by KawaiiBoushi



Category: Persona 4
Genre: F/M, this is it this is the fic that made tumblr hate me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-09
Updated: 2014-05-09
Packaged: 2018-01-21 15:38:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1555478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KawaiiBoushi/pseuds/KawaiiBoushi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I’m sorry, Naoto. I was supposed to protect you, and I let you down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Always Love You

"Kanji! I brought tofu!"

They weren’t even knocking anymore. Rise, who had taken it upon herself to draw up a schedule for everyone to come visit him, had somehow gotten copies made of Kanji’s apartment key made when he wouldn’t let them in. He’d threatened to have Naoto report her for whatever crimes she was probably committing the first time she’d broken in with the rest of the group, only for silence to fall before he’d retreated back to their room - to his room.

They left him alone if he played along. Whoever was visiting would pester him until he came out to eat, so he’d get up in a few minutes, force down Rise’s tofu, and wait for her attempts at conversation to die out. Then he’d have a few hours’ peace until Yukiko and Chie came to cook dinner, and if they didn’t burn the apartment down, he could find solace in sleep until morning.

From the kitchen, a sudden shattering of glass broke into his thoughts, followed by a high-pitched shriek. Some faint shred of instinct stirring within Kanji, he leaped to his feet, fighting back memories of another girl’s scream.

"Rise! Rise, what’s wrong?" He barreled through the bedroom door, Naoto’s gun in his hands. Rise stood with her back to the stove, surrounded by glass shards and misshapen lumps of tofu, one hand covering her mouth as her eyes pooled with tears.

"N-Naoto-kun…" She pointed shakily at Kanji. "Sh-she’s…"

The tension in his muscles relaxed, and he lowered the gun. “Don’t. I don’t -“

"N-no, I - I can see her," she said haltingly, and Kanji’s heart wrenched. "Sh-she’s right there."

"S’not funny, Rise," he said, voice low.

"I’m not - oh, Naoto-kun, is it really you?" Rise let out a whimper that turned into a sob as her legs gave out and she slid to the floor. "I - I thought I was going crazy, Kanzeon h-had to be wrong, I couldn’t really be…but you’re really…" She threw out her arms as if to embrace someone, crying harder still when they closed on empty air. "Why - what are you doing here?"

Her red eyes were focused on nothing in front of her. It had to be nothing, because she was gone, this was some kind of sick joke taken too far. And if she really were here - she’s not - he of all people should be able to see her - he can’t. Rise was nodding now, lips pressed together and shoulders shaking. Taking a deep breath, she looked up at Kanji.

"She says…she says she loves you, Kanji. And she wants to thank you again for not letting her…be alone, in - in the end, and for not leaving her, just like you promised, even after…" Kanji was dimly aware of dropping the gun. He hadn’t told anyone about her last moments, their last conversation. The only other person who could know was -

"Naoto?" The name clawed at his throat like sandpaper. Rise nodded, and he dropped to his knees.

"It’s her, Kanji, it’s really her." Hesitantly, she added, "I thought I’d been - sensing her for a while. I didn’t want to say anything, because if I was wrong…but I can see her now."

"How - why is she -" Kanji’s voice caught in his throat, a terrible thought hitting him. "Is she ok?"

Rise’s eyes shifted for a moment. “She’s not in pain anymore. But she’s still - I mean, she’s really -” She couldn’t finish the sentence. Kanji hadn’t dared hope for anything else, but hearing it hurt nonetheless.

"Can - can she hear me?" he asked.

"She’s listening."

Drawing a shuddering breath, Kanji tried to collect his thoughts. “Naoto?” There was so much he couldn’t say, a lifetime’s worth of dumb jokes and arguments and sweet nothings that would never happen. What did you say to someone you had already said your final goodbyes to? “I love you. Still. I love you so much, I don’t think I could ever stop, no matter how much it hurts. I - I’m sorry, Naoto. I was supposed to protect you, and I let you down. It’s my fault you - I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I dunno how you could ever forgive me, ‘cause I sure as hell can’t forgive myself, but please -” He bit his lip, fighting back tears. “Please - I’m sorry.”

Rise gasped. “Naoto-kun?” She was silent for a moment, eyes widening before glaring holes through him. “Kanji - Kanji, you idiot!” she yelled, a fresh wave of tears spilling out. “She’s crying! You’re making her cry, Moronji!” For the first time since high school, Rise was lashing out angrily with his old nickname. “Stupid, selfish, dense _Moronji!_ ”

Kanji’s jaw dropped. “Wh-what?” For one strange moment, as he scrambled to figure out what he’d done wrong, it almost felt like old times, he almost expected Naoto to yell at him too. “I - R-Rise - Naoto -“

"It’s not your fault she d-died! There’s never been anything to be sorry for because it’s not your fault! All this time she’s been here, begging you to get up, to smile. She misses your smile, Kanji. It’s so dark and quiet here, you’re always alone, you don’t take care of yourself - if it hurts us, how do you think Naoto-kun feels?" she demanded, face buried in her hands.

The question felt like a slap in the face. Kanji took the defensive, to convince himself as much as Naoto and Rise that he was justified in shutting down. “What - what do you want me to do, Naoto?” He scanned the room before staring Rise down, and it killed him that this was how he had to have this conversation. “How am I supposed to do anything else? It’s so damn hard, dreamin’ we’re together, then waking up to see you’re not there. What’s the point anymore?” His shout died down to a whisper, shoulders slumping. “It - it shoulda been me - I wish it had been me instead. I don’t wanna live without you.”

"Don’t say that," Rise said pleadingly. "Please - you can’t - she doesn’t want you to say that, or feel like that. You think she doesn’t know it’s hard? She watches you wake up alone, she sees how much you’re hurting. She wants s-so badly to be here with you." She looked to the side as if for guidance, then moved to kneel in front of Kanji, hesitating before laying a hand on his arm. "Naoto-kun…wants me to tell you she’s sorry."

Kanji recoiled from her touch, Naoto’s apology piercing him deeper than a thousand curses. It stripped his anger away, leaving him vulnerable and ashamed. “Naoto - no, don’t, you’re not -“

"She never thought she’d be the one leaving, the one hurting you like this, and she’s so sorry," Rise continued, taking Kanji’s hand. "But even if it’s selfish, even if it could spare you this pain, she couldn’t go back and give you up. She loves you more than she thought was possible, she was happier with you than she ever imagined she could be, and she’d give anything to change that night."

"So what then?" Kanji demanded, voice cracking. "Am I supposed to just - forget that? Is that what you want, for me to move on, get over you? Because I can’t. Even if I wanted to, I could never - never get over you."

"She just wants you to be happy again." Rise’s grip around Kanji’s fingers tightened as she listened. "She can’t leave you like this. She doesn’t want to leave at all. She doesn’t want to be here and see you and not be able to touch you, but she doesn’t want to leave you, and she doesn’t want you to forget her, but she can’t stand to see you doing this to yourself-" Rise threw her arms around Kanji, burying her face in his chest, but he couldn’t console himself, much less her.

"I’m so sorry, Naoto-kun. It’s not fair." Her breath was coming in gasps and sobs. "It was so frustrating, watching you big dummies back in high school. There’s nothing worse than two people so perfect for each other not being together. But there’s nothing I can do about it now. It’s just - it’s not _fair!_ ” Sniffling and hiccuping, she looked up at Kanji. “You’re still - still so stubborn, you know that? Please, you have to start somewhere. You need to forgive yourself.”

"I can’t." Kanji shook his head. He had to make them see; he would rather they hate him than let his pain be theirs too. "I shoulda been faster, I shoulda taken that bastard down before he could pull the trigger, I shoulda -"

"There was nothing you could’ve done!" Rise cried, shaking him by the shoulders with what little strength she could muster. "We all know you would’ve done anything to save her, but she - she’s dead! And you would never let that happen if there was anything you could do about it, so it’s not your fault! She’s forgiven you a million times over, so what gives you the right not to?"

"I can’t!" Finally wrapping his arms around Rise, Kanji’s shaking hands clutched at her shirt like a lifeline. "If I do, I might - what if I start to move on, and I really do - forget her, or - "

"Moronji." Gently untangling herself from him, Rise sat back, wiping tears from her face. "You just said you couldn’t, even if you wanted to, right? Naoto-kun knows how much you love her. But this isn’t good for either of you. You’re wasting away, and it’s hurting her to watch. And, Kanji, we - we all lost her too, you know. I lost my best friend. We can’t lose you too. It’ll never be ok, what happened, but you can’t live like this."

Everything was crashing in around him, his fragile world shattering again. None of this was right. Naoto was here, but she wasn’t, Rise could see her but he couldn’t touch her. After everything that had happened, Kanji hated himself almost more than the man who’d ripped her out of this world, but she still loved him. Loved him enough to stay behind in whatever form she had taken, and now even in death he was letting her down. Imagining her watching him, powerless to help, all this time; imagining their situations reversed; it sickened him. No matter how he felt, he couldn’t keep doing that to her.

"Dammit, Naoto, y’always manage to talk sense into me." Forcing something resembling a laugh that devolved into a cough, Kanji ran a hand through his hair. "Always makin’ me see how big of an idiot I am. Woulda been so much easier for both of us if you’d just left me behind. You got better places to get to. Can’t believe y’really been here, worryin’ about me. I ain’t worth it. I’m sorry." He paused, swallowing down the lump in his throat, trying to keep it together. This was the hardest thing he’d ever had to say, harder even than his first last good-bye. "But you need - you need to move on. You can’t stay here. Even if I ever feel better, you’ll still - you’re gonna see a lot worse things than my sorry ass that you won’t be able to change. An’ I can’t even imagine how lonely you been. You deserve better’n this, Naoto. Go be with your parents, they’ll be so proud a’you. If you can promise you’re not gonna sit around here anymore, feelin’ sorry for me, maybe I can do the same thing."

He wanted to beg her not to leave him, as if it would make any more difference than it had the first time. He wanted to break down, but he couldn’t be that selfish right now. Naoto came first, she always had and she always would. “Go. Promise you’ll wait for me, and I promise I’ll try to make it worth the wait. I’ll have stories to tell, yeah? An’ I - I want them to be a surprise. So y’can’t stay here. I can’t keep you here.”

"Kanji…" Rise looked up then, pursed her lips, and got to her feet, backing away. She hugged herself, nodding and closing her eyes tightly. "I’m glad I could see you one last time, Naoto-kun. I love you too, okay? Good - goodbye." Giving a little gasp, she turned and leaned against the counter, facing the wall and shaking visibly.

This was it. Kanji’s heart was racing with the realization of what he’d done, and he had to clamp a hand over his mouth to keep from taking it back. Then, for just a moment, he thought he felt a weight on his shoulders, thought something soft brushed against his forehead, thought he could smell chamomile and musty old books in the air. For just a moment, he swore a whisper tickled his ear. _I will always love you, Kanji-kun._

And then nothing again.

He had been hoping for some sort of peace to settle over him, strength he didn’t know he had to carry him to his feet. Something that would happen in one of Naoto’s stories about heroes. Instead, it felt like he had lost her all over again. He stared blankly at the floor until Rise knelt down beside him.

"Is she gone?" Kanji asked, voice barely audible.

"Yeah." Silent tears were streaming down her face. "When you see her again - forever is a long time, you know." She forced a smile, but her bottom lip was trembling. "You better have some great stories for her. She’s not gonna want to kiss your ugly mug all - all - oh, Kanji!" She threw herself at him again, sobbing into his chest. "We’re gonna be okay, Kanji. You’re gonna be okay. Please be okay."

Kanji was far from convinced he would ever be okay, but he’d made a promise. He’d let Naoto down so many times, in so many ways. Knowing he would ask the same thing in her place, knowing how much it would hurt to see her wither away alone, he didn’t have a choice. It didn’t make it easy, but he wouldn’t be able to face her when his time came if he didn’t at least try.

He held Rise close, finally letting himself cry now that Naoto couldn’t see.


End file.
